I know it has been a really long time since my last post..! No, it is not as though I have been busy (being busy has never stopped me from finding time for blogging). It is just that I have been feeling rather disturbed during the course of the last few weeks… as I have been trying to push myself into making a decision!
A job offer has come my way. A job with a very respectable organization which would offer me an opportunity to move out of my current sector into something else at double the salary and an arena which is hitherto un traversed.
So what you may ask is worrying me so much? It is a very simple thing- CHANGE!! I am experiencing feelings that I never thought I ever would..
For starters, I wish I would get over the illogical feelings that I seem to be having – particularly about this lap top on which I am currently typing! This battered old DELL machine has come to symbolize my creativity. I am increasingly beginning to feel that like Samson who lost his strength when his hair was cut, I might lose my intelligence and creativity when I give up this machine!
I have been lying awake at nights thinking about how I used to work for nearly twelve hours – those were the days!!! We were a lovely team of people who used to argue endlessly with each other about almost everything and a boss with whom one never felt that one was working. He used to have music playing as he worked. Actually all of us did.. He had the habit of picking up CDs from our desk and forgetting to return them..I have had dozens of fights with him accusing him of “stealing” my CDs. He moved on to the head office to a more senior position and slowly others in the team either moved out of the organization or to other offices. And there I was left all alone with a group that I could not relate to any way- socially, culturally or intellectually…
Over the last two years I have had a slow erosion of passion and motivation until it reached a stage where going to office would be the most difficult thing for me..! Seven and a half years in the same place doing the same thing in an environment that I could no longer relate to, was beginning to take its toll on me.
So, why am I feeling like this when I get the opportunity to leave for something better? My sister says it is a phenomenon called “inbreeding” where you do not like something but are reluctant to get out of it…Some call it “getting out of one’s comfort zone”.
I call this “getting older”. I see the world differently now. While I used to in my earlier days be constantly seeking change today the same change seems to be intimidating me. I am wondering whether status quo –however boring may be more tolerable to this change?
There is also the fear of the unknown as I move into the “for profit” sector ! I feel like I am poised for jumping out of a plane. Fears like “what would happen if the parachute does not open up?” “what if I fall down and die” What if … What if ? So many questions!
There are more things at stake in terms of how this change may affect me and my life. I never knew I had become so “risk averse” in my forties! The “rolling stone” in her twenties and thirties has today gathered so much of moss around that it is now unable to move
But I made that decision finally last week and it has taken all my inner strength to do that and set this stone rolling!
Insha Allah… the parachute will open up and I will have a smooth landing!