Behind Every Successful Woman

We have all heard this saying - " Behind every successful man there is a woman" but have we ever thought about who is behind a woman's success?

Or is it just that we do not somehow associate women with success?If you ask an average woman what success means she would tell you it means being able to have a decent job, keep the family together, raise healthy , happy children and have enough for her old age. Some women may also extend this to include the ability to manage home and a career successfully. It is not very often that a woman is able to identify success as an individual achievement.

It is not to say that by this we mean that there are no successful women. There are many of us in various different fields- doctors, writers and other professionals. How have these women managed to achieve their success?

Let me illustrate this with my example - I consider myself to be a reasonable successful woman in the sense that I have been able to achieve atleast two thirds of what I had planned for myself in my life. I  had the best opportunities made available to me by way of education which I have used very well for myself. When I look back to see how this was possible, I realize that I probably had a very enabling environment to nurture my dreams and move ahead in  life.  Let me now try to deconstruct and demystify this word "enabling environment"- a very supportive family is what emerges.  Supportive family certainly.. but  it all boils down to two men in my life - my father and my husband!

As women, men form a very important part of our lives in the sense that they are our other half and socially the more powerful gender. Men  decide their own destinies as well as that of the women in their lives or under their control. My father beleived very strongly in the independence of his daugthers and encouraged both me and my sister to beleive in our dreams and follow them through. We never had to negotiate or manipulate our way into getting anything out of him. What he always wanted to know was whether we beleived in what we wanted to do and if we did so did he!

The same is the case with my husband. Never had I to seek his "permission" to do anything. He always beleived in my capacities to handle any situation and encouraged me in everything that I wanted to do. Decisions are always jointly taken and he has always respected my views on any issue.

I sometimes wonder why this is not so with a large majority of women in our country? We often find that men are the main obstacles for a woman's success. Why?

" Because they are afraid that if we become successful we may not respect them" said Kuppamma, a woman I met in a village in Vedaranyam, some time ago. But isn't a woman's success as much his? For e.g if she is a successful entrepreneur, financially it is the family that would stand to benefit. But why is it that a large majority of men do not like to "let go" of this power that they  have over women?

And no, it is not just the likes of Kuppamma who face these problems to develop their capacities and become successful. I have seen this in women from middle and upper middle class families too. Women often try to "hide" or "play down" their success so as to keep their men happy. But is it their men's happiness that they are interested in or is it the desire to keep the man's insecurity at bay?

It is surprising that for a gender that has the best of everything insecurity should be a problem! This insecurity shows up in different ways with different classes of men. While it is a very "in your face" insecurity in a rural context , resulting in domestic violence, in a more educated and sophisticated environment it may be more subtle.

Again not to say that all men are insecure. Certainly not!

I have been observing around my immediate environment to see what causes this insecurity- I think it is a certain lack in one's own self confidence. In a rural area, a poor labourer is completly powerless in front of a richer and more powerful person. He is extremely meek in front of the more powerful men. But when he comes home he transforms himself into the power centre and feels most insecure if he perceives his wife as transgressing the lines of control. His upbringing in a patriarchal society like ours ofcourse reinforces these behaviour patterns. The same cause and effect theory can be applied almost universally. The lesser the confidence a man has in himself the more threatened he feels about his wife's capacities.

This also  shows up in a work environment where male bosses sometimes cannot accept a female colleague questioning a decision. While ofcourse the organizational hierarchy vests power in the boss irrespective of gender, I have often found that male bosses with little confidence in themselves find it difficult to handle a woman who reports to them. Conversely there are some supremely confident male bosses ( yes I have had a wonderful boss like that!) who encourage women to grow within an organization often changing policies to suit women's requirements. These kind of bosses ofcourse encourage independent thoughts irrespect of whether it is men or women who are thinking them.

Now, coming back to my original question- who is behind a woman's success?

I think the answer is very clear- it is men! It is the men in our families - our fathers, brothers and husbands ( sometimes also sons) who can encourage women to step out and follow our dreams. Organizations with sensitive men as bosses can create the right environment to nurture talent. A society that has men like this would soon see a lot of success as half of its population would slowly start coming out of the shadows!

" It takes a brave man to support his wife in her quest for success" says Kasturi from Nagapattinam.

We need more of these brave men.. ! Success for a woman would then be because of men and not inspite of them!